Over the next eight years, the New York dream fell silent. I felt like a failure, but hey, maybe it wasn’t meant for me. I threw away the forms and deleted all New York-related bookmarks in my computer. I knew in my heart it could be done, but I decided not to go. Sus, kaya mo ba ‘to?, the voice in my head mocked.
The reality of costs hit me in the face, as well as the nagging voice of self-doubt. I do remember the feeling was called exhilaration. I don’t even recall what post-graduate degree I applied for. I don’t remember what part of New York they were in. I don’t remember the schools I applied to. I also had the endorsement of my college Statistics professor, who was then working at Wharton. I vividly remember holding a university’s set of application forms. I remember the feeling, but I don’t remember the details. It was decided – I would pursue a post-graduate degree in New York City! The next weeks were a whirl of requesting for university catalogs, surfing the net for apartments and other daydream-fuelled activities. At that time however it felt more like a need for adventure, for a fresh new lease on life. On hindsight, it was most probably triggered by a quarter-life crisis. How dramatic, isn’t it? I thought so myself. When I was 24, I wanted to run away to New York. There are moments though that I wish I were seeing something else outside those windows. It’s a sweet and simple life, one I am happy with.
When I look out our window, I see brown Maya birds, stray grass pushing stubbornly out of the concrete road, homes illuminated by the glow of television sets. I burn the midnight oil almost every day in a home somewhere in suburban Manila. Here’s today’s reality: I’m a mother to a pre-schooler, a wife to an artist. It’s a title of a movie, but it’s also the title of a scene in my life that is yet to happen. I still do want to visit New York.Īutumn in New York. I’ve edited it to be more current, but the spirit remains the same. The original version of my piece below first appeared on The Philippine Online Chronicles 3 years ago.
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